Finding Balance in the Pursuit of Happiness
“Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.”
Is there a more misleading myth for millennials? This kind of magical thinking leads us to accept two falsehoods. First, it implies that work is not actually work—something we all experience, as natural as taking a deep breath. Second, it suggests that all our time must be optimized and monetized. After all, time is money. Don’t waste it.
Recently, my colleague Eve shared her feelings about a lack of ambition, resonating with many readers. Her article even made it into Parliament. Eve pointed out that the social pressure to strive for more—more money, better titles—is just a myth. She highlighted that if she chooses to opt out of the rat race, she has every right to do so. Her approach to work is pragmatic; she moves at her own pace, not following a blueprint for success.
Eve’s article made me realize that a lack of ambition can be a positive trait. When your goal is happiness rather than accomplishment, you don’t necessarily need ambition.
The feedback to Eve’s piece sparked a shift in my perspective. While the allure of defining oneself outside of job titles was appealing, it didn’t align with how I’ve approached life.
I’m a pusher, and that ambition is what’s been holding me back.
I’ve recognized that my tendency to push is making me dissatisfied with the present. I constantly find myself planning future trips or weekend activities. Sometimes, I spend twice as long on a work task because I can’t meet the unrealistic standards I’ve set for myself.
The worst part is that I’ve become competitive in my hobbies—not with others, but with myself. I get frustrated on the treadmill if I run one kilometer less than the day before. I curse my body on the yoga mat for not performing poses the way it used to. I’m trying to be a jack of all trades, wanting to master everything quickly. When I can’t, it leaves me feeling despondent. Harnessing this ambition has become exhausting.
So, my New Year’s resolution was to let go. I want to be kinder to myself, but I find it challenging to identify the grace in that. I’ve spent my adult life pushing harder and aiming for the stars.
But now, I’m questioning: what’s the point?
Ambition vs. Aspiration
Unlike aspiration, which is the desire to achieve, ambition is a trait—a compulsion to succeed. Being ambitious often means viewing life as an endless task. This trait can lead to perpetual discontent.
However, ambition alone does not guarantee accomplishment. The challenge lies in determining where to stop striving.
Ambition lacks a logical endpoint. Without perspective, strong values, and healthy self-esteem, excess ambition can spiral into perfectionism, where ‘just fine’ is never enough.
Take, for example, this week’s news about Jin Young Ko, the reigning women’s golf champion. After defending her title at the 2022 HSBC Women’s World Championship, her first thought was that she could have performed even better next time.
“It’s a great honor to set the record. But I can practice more before the next tournament. I can play better than I did over the last couple of days,” she said.
Current Self vs. Ideal Self
In recent years, we’ve seen the top achievers in sports struggle with negative self-perception—from Simone Biles to Naomi Osaka. Elite athletes often tie their self-worth to their achievements.
While most of us are not elite athletes, their mindset can apply to those of us who link self-worth with accomplishments.
A 2002 study on perfectionism and anxiety in elite athletes found that the gap between one’s current self and ideal self can be intolerable for those with low self-esteem.
Outside of sports, we invoke the concept of the ideal self to drive self-improvement—whether it’s hitting the gym to become more attractive or developing a side hustle to enhance our resumes.
For me, the ideal self is someone who is serene and content. However, this vision changes based on the goals I become fixated on. Yet, the most appealing aspect of this ideal self isn’t their appearance, career, or wealth; it’s their tranquility.
Still, I struggle to become the serene self I envision. Every small achievement, from a work promotion to an extra mile run, seems to bring me no closer to that ideal.
That’s the cruel reality of striving for perfection—it’s unattainable.
Prioritize What You Enjoy, Not What You Love
Before hustle culture took hold, work simply meant trading hours for pay—it was rarely more complicated than that.
“Do what you love” pushes us to give up enriching hobbies that shape who we are, compelling us to supplement stagnant wages with additional work and optimize every moment of free time.
Alongside this pressure, we’re expected to brand ourselves. Whether on LinkedIn or Instagram, we categorize ourselves by our professions.
A job is no longer just a way to earn money; it’s a stepping stone toward something greater. We’re led to believe that our jobs define our values and character.
We’ve become so intertwined with work that we’ve created stereotypes for various professions—doctors are disciplined, artists are detached, bankers are ruthless.
The pressure to “do what you love” turns achievements into measures of self-worth. For unhealthy achievers, this societal expectation intensifies the relentless drive to accomplish more.
Allison E. McWilliams, a Ph.D. holder in higher education administration, suggests that finding meaning in life is more important than chasing passions.
In her experience counseling anxious college students, she emphasizes that it’s perfectly acceptable to pursue roles aligned with current interests, even if they don’t promise a long-term career path.
“It’s okay to take a role that aligns with your current interests, even if you can’t forecast how it will play out over your career,” she says. “Remember, it’s all data. Your next experience will help inform the one after that. Stop trying to figure out the next 20 years. Just focus on what’s next.”
Like Eve, McWilliams recognizes the harmful myth of social pressure to strive. Part of the anxiety of unhealthy achievers stems from the inability to predict the future. If I could see the outcomes of my current choices, perhaps I’d be less anxious about maximizing every achievement.
Clearly, I need a practical way out.
Challenging Your Inner Critic
The compulsion to succeed often stems from a negative inner voice that sets unreasonable expectations. I know this voice is irrational because the bar keeps getting raised, and there’s no acknowledgment of my accomplishments.
Two years ago, I underwent EMDR therapy, which helped me combat my negative self-talk. One effective technique is simply asking myself: Would I speak to my younger self this way?
In therapy, I’ve realized how much kinder I am to my younger self. Children are innocent and driven by basic emotions—happiness, sadness, anger, fear. My therapist refers to this as the inner child. I often check in with that inner child: What basic emotion are you feeling right now?
Visualization exercises—imagining a conversation among my current self, my inner child, and my negative voice—help me gain perspective. This makes it easier to approach myself with compassion and forgiveness.
Finding Balance in Movement
Connecting with my physical self is crucial when I become an anxiety-driven bundle of nerves. For years, I practiced yoga, where the meditative rhythm encouraged me to “let go of what doesn’t serve.”
While meditation is often recommended for anxiety relief, I found it daunting as a starting point. Yoga allowed me to disconnect and release tension more easily.
Over time, however, I needed a way to channel the frenetic energy of perfectionism—namely, my anger and frustration. High-impact workouts helped me pause and return to challenges with a clearer mind.
Boxing, HIIT, and strength training have become my outlets. Sometimes, I visualize my negative self during boxing sessions, which helps.
There’s another avenue I’m eager to explore—reigniting a childlike sense of wonder. Research shows that play enhances creativity and reduces stress, reframing stressful tasks as engaging challenges.
Rene Proyer, a psychologist focused on play, suggests starting with simple observations: List three spontaneous things that happened today, whether a surprise encounter or a quirky event. Noticing joy in the unexpected can open you to play.
I feel that embracing randomness and spontaneity could be beneficial. In 2022, I aim to loosen my self-imposed restraints. After all, unhealthy ambition thrives on arbitrary rules.
Despite these intentions, I am still a determined striver, attached to my goals. But today, I completed one less mile on the treadmill without berating myself.
So, I remind myself: baby steps. Baby steps.
