What happens when you learn that your child is struggling with depression? After grappling with initial emotions like shock and helplessness, these parents chose acceptance, forging closer bonds with their children. CNA Insider explores their transformative journeys.
SINGAPORE: When Prashant Pundrik first learned that one of his daughters was battling major depression, he was overwhelmed by a swirl of regret, anxiety, and resentment.
He felt regret for not being the father he aspired to be despite his best intentions. Anxiety loomed over him as he worried about his daughter’s future and how she would cope with her condition. Resentment crept in as he questioned how this could happen to him after he had dedicated himself to providing for his child.
After reaching out to close friends for guidance on navigating this medical condition, he faced an additional challenge: confronting his own ego. His friends candidly informed him that helping his daughter would take time—and required personal change. “They were very open with me … No sugar-coating or mincing their words,” recalled Pundrik. “That was, I think, the second slap in the face in a matter of a few days. I need to change myself? I’m perfect; I don’t do anything wrong. How do we improve perfection?”
At 51, Pundrik is a venture builder who invests in start-ups, boasting three master’s degrees. He had always prided himself on being the family’s “chief problem solver,” so it was a rude awakening to realize he was the last to learn about his daughter’s struggles. “She didn’t have the confidence that I’d take her issues seriously … that I’d have a solution for her and I wouldn’t make it worse,” said Pundrik, who has twin daughters aged 20.
The COVID-19 pandemic played a pivotal role in revealing this truth. Returning to Singapore from her studies in the United Kingdom, his daughter shared her battle with major depression during a late-night conversation while self-isolating. She had struggled with her mental health for six months, seeking help from the UK’s National Health Service but finding it difficult to manage her prescribed medication. She even had thoughts of self-harm. Much of their talk revolved around how Pundrik’s actions had exacerbated her situation.
“She — we — spoke about how I hadn’t been a wonderful father, how I’d never been there for her, or how I hadn’t been able to support her in many ways,” he recounted. For instance, there were times when he wouldn’t call her for weeks, assuming she was busy with her studies. This approach stemmed from his own experience of studying abroad decades earlier when phone calls home were both costly and rare.
Over the years, Pundrik had developed a habit of lecturing her, which only deepened the distance between them. “She saw me only as somebody who was a preacher and not a father who’d understand her,” he admitted. For example, when she played football in junior college, he had discouraged her, stating, “If you want to score well in your A-level exams, you can’t be playing football every day for four hours and then come home tired. And then you can’t study.”
Despite his initial shock and defensiveness when he learned of his daughter’s depression, he has since accepted responsibility for her mental health challenges.
THE STRUGGLE TO OPEN UP
Many parents grapple with guilt when they discover their children’s mental health struggles. They often wonder what they did wrong and question whether they provided everything necessary for their child’s comfort and happiness. The daunting question arises: How can they help their children now?
The hesitation that many youths feel about sharing their mental health challenges with their parents is common, according to educators and mental health experts. Some young people disclose their struggles only after feeling utterly exhausted from hiding their condition, while others might blurt it out during an argument or conversation.
Their fears are often justified. Clinical psychologist Cherie Chan explains that many parents dismiss their children’s mental health issues as mere phases, believing their children should be able to handle their emotions, especially when they seemingly have “everything in life.” This attitude stems from a feeling of helplessness, she noted. “Most parents aim to protect, nurture, and guide, so when mental health issues arise, it can feel uncontrollable and overwhelming.”
Parents may also remember their own youth fondly, having survived challenges without the support systems that today’s children need.
A BREAKING POINT
Jasmine (not her real name) remembers feeling helpless and angry when she discovered her daughter began self-harming while in Primary Five. “Why (when other) people do this, you also follow?” Jasmine wanted to know. Her daughter confided that she felt tremendous pressure about the Primary School Leaving Examination, fearing that poor performance would lead to a lack of love and limit her future.
Jasmine was blindsided, as she believed her husband and she had encouraged their daughters to simply try their best. “If the children needed help, they were offered tuition,” she said. She suspects that excessive television time may have contributed to her daughter’s struggles, particularly a drama series that depicted teenage suicide. “If I could rewind and go back (in time), I’d tell her no, you’re not watching this,” Jasmine lamented.
As a parent, she often wished for the ability to pause or rewind the past. “But I can’t.”
FINDING CONNECTION AND SUPPORT
For Pundrik, supporting his daughter through her mental health journey has also been transformative. Diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in 2016, he refrained from seeking treatment until 2020, when he began learning about caregiving. “Just like I understood my daughter’s illness, I understood my own,” he said, now a trainer for the Caregivers Alliance Limited (CAL) course.
He believes mental illness can affect anyone and that parents should not harbor the “false belief that it won’t happen to you or a loved one.” This caregiving journey has changed him as a person. “Sometimes I’m so thankful for COVID-19, thankful for my daughter’s illness, that all these things happened,” he reflected. “Otherwise, I’d never have become a better person; I’d never have understood myself … My daughter and I are now best friends.”
GETTING HELP
If you or someone you know is facing mental health challenges, various resources are available:
Samaritans of Singapore 24-hour Hotline: 1-767
Institute of Mental Health Helpline: 6389 2222
Community Health Assessment Team (CHAT): CHAT Website
Singapore Association of Mental Health Helpline: 1800 283 7019
SAMH SAY-IT: 9179 4087 / 9179 4085 or samhsayit@samhealth.org.sg
Club HEAL: 6899 3463
TOUCHLINE: 1800-377-2252 or @doyoumindsg
Mindline: Mindline Website
For additional mental health resources, consider these mobile apps: CARA Unmask, Safe Space, Intellect, MindFi, Myloh. For immediate risks, contact emergency medical services.
