Exploring the Silent Struggles of Sibling Dynamics
Towering above me at six feet, 20-year-old Hector, dressed in black, seemed far removed from vulnerability. Leaning forward in his chair, he animatedly shared memories of his absent father and overbearing mother. It was hard to tell whether he was genuinely enthusiastic about discussing his family with a stranger or simply had an upbeat demeanor.
However, when the topic shifted to his brother, the mood changed abruptly. His words stumbled to a halt, followed by a long, uncomfortable silence. When he finally spoke again, his voice was hesitant, as if the conversation had become a chore rather than a discussion.
“For most people, bullies are found at school. I had those too, but the worst one was waiting for me at home,” Hector admitted.
Despite his imposing appearance, Hector carries the emotional scars of childhood trauma. Many others, like him, continue to grapple with similar struggles.
What Studies Show A 2019 study revealed that 89.9% of Singaporean college students with siblings had experienced physical or psychological sibling abuse at some point in their lives, with 62.0% reporting such experiences in the past year alone. For younger siblings, interactions with older siblings significantly shape their development, as these older siblings serve as their first peers and benchmarks for self-evaluation.
These early stages of childhood development are crucial in shaping personality and outlook on life. However, older siblings can also ostracize their younger counterparts, reinforcing negative family dynamics and instilling feelings of inadequacy. This can manifest in various forms of abuse—physical, verbal, or psychological.
Research indicates that aggressive older siblings can lead to behavioral issues in their younger siblings, while emotionally distant ones increase the risk of mental health struggles, including depression and anxiety.
The Role of Casual Violence Hector’s older brother, Joseph, exemplified the former category. Initially, they shared a close emotional bond, navigating shared familial challenges such as financial difficulties and parental conflicts. However, as Joseph faced the emotional fallout of these issues, he began to lash out.
Hector, just four years younger, longed for his brother’s approval. “I was at that age where I desperately wanted to be liked by him. When things were good, he was fun to be around. But when he had to ‘grow up’, everything changed,” Hector recalled.
The situation escalated to physical violence. “Every other day, after having fun together, he would say, ‘You can’t do this, you can’t do that.’ When I did it anyway, he would just go quiet… then he’d hit me.”
Hector vividly remembers these painful interactions, where moments of joy quickly turned into fear. The casualness of Joseph’s aggression played into traditional views of older siblings’ authority, often dismissed by parents as harmless sibling rivalry.
Such reactions from parents, especially in Asian households, reinforce the notion that physical discipline is acceptable, further normalizing the cycle of abuse.
The Role of the Inferiority Complex Not all siblings exhibit their bullying through physical means. Nineteen-year-old Janet faced a different kind of torment from her older brother, Keith. Despite being two years older, Keith maintained a cold distance, overshadowing Janet’s achievements.
Every success Janet had seemed eclipsed by Keith’s accomplishments—he was in the Gifted Education Programme, while she struggled to qualify. This ongoing competition drained Janet of her self-worth.
“During family dinners, all attention was directed to him,” Janet shared. “Whenever I tried to voice my opinions, he would cut me off. I felt like a bystander in my own family.”
The different treatment that favors older siblings can lead to significant adjustment issues for younger ones. Janet faced perpetual struggles, feeling like a stranger in her own home, unable to share her feelings without fear of judgment.
The Aftermath of Years of Sibling Bullying Hector eventually learned to fend for himself, but not without consequences. He turned to vices like drinking and smoking in a bid to cope with the emotional turmoil, which led him to contemplate suicide.
“It might seem small now, but as a kid, your emotional development relies on how you’re treated. I was always rejected and embarrassed. You just want it to stop.”
For Janet, the pressure to live up to Keith’s legacy was overwhelming, resulting in body dysmorphia and anorexia. “No one ever dismissed his insults. They took root in my mind, making me feel unworthy.”
As the years went on, both siblings struggled to escape the shadows of their relationships. Hector eventually reconnected with Joseph, yet he still grapples with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Janet found a sense of relief after moving away for independence.
A Journey Toward Healing Hector is slowly finding peace, though he masks his frustrations with a smile. Janet, too, is learning to reclaim her identity outside of Keith’s shadow. Both siblings recognize the importance of their journeys toward healing, despite the complicated emotions tied to their pasts.
Yet many victims of sibling bullying remain stagnant, caught in a cycle of hurt and silence. The dinner table—a site of inferiority complexes and conflict—stands as a haunting reminder of their childhood struggles.
As they navigate their paths, the hope remains that they can break free from the scars of their past and redefine their futures.
