Exploring the Challenges of Platonic Emotional Connections Among Men
“I’ve never heard of a group of guys delving into emotional intricacies. It really comes down to the nature of our friend group,” Lim Hao remarks. “It’s not that we avoid our emotions; our bond simply transcends that—we’re just stable, you know?”
As he speaks from behind a screen, 24-year-old Hao, a final-year engineering student, responds candidly to my inquiries about the depth of our friendship. His demeanor reflects the straightforward nature I’ve come to expect from him in our eleven-year relationship.
Throughout these years, our circle of close male friends has been a defining element of our lives. Comprised of seven final-year undergraduates, mostly in engineering or business, our camaraderie has been shaped by shared experiences in an all-boys secondary school, regular recreational football matches, playful banter, and competitive mahjong sessions.
“Should I be worried? Am I the drama?”
During one of those mahjong evenings, as we met Felicia for the first time—our friend’s girlfriend—she casually asked if we ever share our feelings with each other. The sudden silence that followed among the four of us at the table spoke volumes—emotional intimacy was clearly a sensitive topic for our friend group.
Perhaps our all-boys club had devolved into a time capsule, one that transports us back to a state of emotional detachment whenever we gather. Yet, it was jarring to recognize that a bond forged over nearly half our lives lacked this fundamental connection.
“It’s the same for every other all-male friend group.”
I was struck by the fact that the first time Hao openly shared his feelings with me occurred during this formal interview. Despite the initial awkwardness, I was eager to explore whether we both secretly craved more emotional intimacy, restrained only by our own barriers.
“If our group were more emotionally open, it would definitely change our dynamics,” Hao muses. “It would be kind of weird. Even the most comfortable person among us shares feelings only through private Instagram posts.”
As our conversation progressed, Hao’s honest responses became more guarded, nearly verging on corporate jargon. “I think our lack of emotional sharing isn’t unique,” he continued. “It’s the same across all-male friend groups. We pick up on each other’s signals. For us, it’s not a problem—at least not now—but I guess only time will tell,” he speculated, almost dismissively.
The Indicators of a Healthy Male Friendship
Benjamin, 31, an openly gay professional in Singapore’s finance sector, exemplifies the platonic emotional intimacy I yearn for in male friendships. He shares a profound bond with his closest male friend, Glenn, who he has known for nearly half his life. “We’ve been in the same secondary school, JC class, army camp, and even worked in the same building,” he recalls with a chuckle.
For Benjamin, their intertwined lives are the result of numerous shared milestones. However, I recognize that longevity in friendships does not automatically guarantee emotional intimacy.
“I regularly share both good and bad news with Glenn,” he reflects. “I turn to him for emotional support, especially during tough times. Emotional intimacy matters. I want to be vulnerable with my friends, allowing them to see who I truly am—and vice versa. It’s a two-way street.”
As time passed, I realized I had become increasingly accustomed to a filtered version of my closest friends—one devoid of the emotional vulnerability that should accompany long-standing relationships.
At the core, I want my friends to know they can rely on me for support, and I yearn to discover if they would reciprocate.
Destigmatizing Platonic Emotional Intimacy
The closest my friends and I have come to vulnerability was during a Secret Santa exchange two years ago. Even then, our awkward attempts at sharing the significance behind our gifts quickly fizzled out, leaving us retreating to safer ground—discussing our seating arrangements at the mahjong table, our emotional crutch.
Yet, I learned that destigmatizing emotional intimacy among men is achievable, albeit challenging. Men need not conform to the stereotype of being emotionally closed off—unfeeling, unyielding, and unaffected by emotions.
“This unfamiliarity with expressing emotions is the reason we don’t,” explains Hafeez Hassan, a movement coach and choreographer who advocates for redefining masculinity through his initiative, The Brothers Circle, a support group aimed at helping Singaporean men unlearn toxic masculinity patterns.
Hafeez shares how societal ideals of masculinity, characterized by stoicism and self-sacrifice, pressure men into believing their struggles are burdensome to their peers. The fear of ridicule often leads men to suppress their feelings, even among close friends, ultimately hindering their ability to achieve emotional intimacy.
Fostering a Comfortable Version of Masculinity
The Brothers Circle provides a space for men to explore emotional expression through movement and reflection, addressing the discomfort many men experience in sharing their feelings.
During a session, Hafeez prompts participants to visualize their ideal version of masculinity, encouraging them to express themselves through art. “Our ideas of masculinity are often shaped by the first men we encounter—our fathers and grandfathers,” he notes.
Breaking free from toxic masculinity requires redefining traditional notions, allowing men to embrace emotional vulnerability. This shift can foster stronger connections and ultimately lead to platonic emotional intimacy.
“Everyone needs connection—through touch or communication, especially in modern society. Love courageously. Don’t be afraid to show affection to your friends,” Hafeez advises. “It’s as simple as talking through your problems with trusted companions.”
As I reflect on these insights, I recognize the importance of having these crucial conversations with my friends, especially during our next mahjong gathering. Regardless of the discomfort it may bring, it’s a necessary step toward building a more authentic and emotionally supportive friendship.
“I cherish you guys,” Hao concludes during our interview, revealing a moment of vulnerability that I had long awaited. “To me, that’s more than love. It’s about treasuring every moment we spend together. I can see us still being friends in 30 years.”
I make a mental note to initiate this important conversation, one that could shape the next three decades of our friendship. Awkward or not, it’s time to embrace the emotional intimacy we’ve all been missing.
