Phoenix shares his transition from incel identity to a fulfilling relationship.
At 24 years old, Phoenix embodies the typical Singaporean male archetype. An accounting graduate from a local university, he currently works as an auditor in a Big Four firm. Outside of crunching numbers and analyzing spreadsheets, he enjoys board games, DOTA, and anime.
However, Phoenix has a past that sets him apart—he once identified as an incel. Following this revelation, he quickly offers disclaimers: “I really hope I can change how the community is perceived. I consider myself a moderate candidate.”
The term “incel,” short for “involuntary celibate,” often conjures images of a radical subculture associated with misogyny and dangerous beliefs. For Phoenix, it’s crucial to dispel misconceptions surrounding incels, particularly since many currently stand where he once did—as moderates within a seemingly radical online community.
His reasons for agreeing to this interview are twofold: to challenge the negative stereotypes associated with incels and to enjoy a fun diversion before the weight of his audit workload descends.
As we navigate the bustling streets of Chinatown en route to the RICE office, his distinct nasal voice cuts through the ambient noise. Clad in a loose-fitting blue polo shirt that hangs on his thin frame, Phoenix shares his struggles with weight gain due to a fast metabolism. “I don’t usually buy clothes either. I’m quite frugal and saving for the future,” he adds, referencing his commitment to the FIRE lifestyle.
His responses are delivered with calmness and logical precision, resembling a well-rehearsed debate. “According to the Oxford dictionary, an incel is someone who belongs to an online community of young men who feel unable to attract women sexually,” he explains. “By that definition, if you’ve never had a girlfriend or haven’t in a long time, you would qualify as an incel.”
An Introduction to Incels
On the surface, the incel community presents itself as a support network for men grappling with loneliness and a lack of romantic success. Yet, media portrayals often paint incels as a self-radicalized group steeped in misogyny and anti-feminist sentiments.
The community is part of a broader “manosphere”—a collection of online platforms addressing masculinity and men’s issues. Members commonly assert that they struggle to find partners due to superficial women, believing that attractive women only date traditionally appealing men—tall, muscular men, with jawlines sharp enough to “cut glass,” as Phoenix puts it.
“In incel culture, we refer to attractive men as ‘Chads’ and beautiful women as ‘Stacys.’ The average girl? That’s a ‘Becky.’ Much of the resentment is directed at Beckys who choose to date Chads,” he elaborates during his extended explanation of incel terminology.
Despite his intention for brevity, Phoenix’s lecture on incel culture stretches over twenty minutes, hinting at his familiarity with the subculture.
He explains that incels perceive women like Beckys as proof of their belief that women are superficial, especially when they remain in unhealthy relationships with Chads. Phoenix’s explanations reflect a personal connection to the incel community and its ideologies.
He articulates that the incel’s anger stems from feeling cheated in a “demonstrably rigged” dating landscape. “If people dated within their leagues, fewer might identify as incels,” he speculates.
Called to Inceldom
Phoenix’s journey into inceldom began in 2017 during his national service. An avid Reddit user, he stumbled upon r/inceltears (now revived as r/inceltear), sparking his descent into the incel community.
This subreddit serves as a space for non-incels to mock the struggles of incels. As an online watchdog, members post screenshots of misogynistic comments, countering the prevailing negative narratives surrounding incels.
“The more I read, the more I resonated with their feelings of loneliness and despair,” recalls Phoenix. “Non-incels tend to cherry-pick the most offensive comments, treating them as representative of the entire community. Sure, there are some bad apples, but most are just lonely.”
His deep dive into the incel subculture led him to main incel subreddits, including the now-banned r/braincels, where he absorbed incel terminology and theories. This vocabulary provided an explanation for his feelings of loneliness and melancholy, emotions he had faced during two years of unsuccessful dating.
“I used five dating apps and swiped daily until I ran out of profiles. After two years, I secured only two dates with different people,” Phoenix recalls. He admits feeling miserable, particularly after his first date blocked him on all social media after just one outing. “That’s a success rate of less than two percent, by the way,” he adds, showcasing his accountant’s analytical mindset. “If you’re a decent person, you should at least have a chance. It’s just sad when the door is shut so quickly.”
Formerly Incel, Currently a Walking Contradiction
A year and a half after identifying as an incel, Phoenix’s inceldom came to an end—although he quips that his beliefs lingered much longer. He speculates that he may have always been an incel, even before discovering the community.
Fortunately, his exit from inceldom coincided with a budding Singaporean love story. Two months into his university life in 2019, he began dating a coursemate he met during orientation. Like many great Singaporean love stories, theirs has a predictable yet happy ending: they’re now planning to purchase a BTO flat together.
Although he no longer identifies as an incel, he acknowledges that incel beliefs remain a part of him. When asked about his current identity, he shrugs it off, stating he’s just an ordinary person with incel-like ideologies.
“I can’t see myself not viewing the world through this lens. If I lack information, I often explain things in terms of ‘Chad,’ ‘Becky,’ and ‘Stacy,’” he clarifies.
“To be clear, I don’t identify as an incel anymore. Honestly, I don’t think the dating scene in Singapore is as dire as it appears. Maybe there aren’t as many incels here,” he admits.
In leaving his incel identity behind but retaining its ideologies, Phoenix finds himself in a peculiar, contradictory space—caught between vilifying women and treating his girlfriend with respect.
His capacity for fluid thought helps him navigate this contradiction. “I’m a major simp for my girlfriend. I treat her very well because I never want to experience the loneliness I felt before meeting her.”
In this context, incel ideologies emerge as specific enough for people to relate to, yet broad enough to shape into a palatable personal belief. This flexibility may complicate the process of shedding incel beliefs for those who have moved beyond their inceldom.
The Manosphere of It All
Opportunities for Singaporean incels to connect are scarce, as revealing one’s incel status is social suicide. In a small country like Singapore, rumors travel swiftly, deterring individuals from sharing their experiences. Phoenix’s sole incel friend is someone he introduced to the community.
Visibility for the group diminishes further due to platforms like Reddit, which have worked to eliminate the spread of misogynistic incel ideologies by shutting down related subreddits. However, this does little to disrupt the broader manosphere in which incels exist.
In this ecosystem, incels occupy one corner, while another menacing community—the Alpha Males—thrives on the other side. Between these extremes lies a multitude of toxic displays of masculinity, none of which offer healthy outlets for male expression.
The dangers of the manosphere lie in the risk that men face by adopting misguided beliefs and ideologies born from misplaced anger towards women. This may explain the rise of controversial influencers like Andrew Tate.
Phoenix the Normie
These toxic beliefs persist longer than one might expect—an undertaking not worth the risk. Given the dangers of engaging with the manosphere, Singaporean men should seek healthier avenues to manage their frustrations and anger.
Phoenix reiterates that his inceldom stemmed from profound loneliness rather than sexual frustration. “Normies like to say that having a girlfriend isn’t everything. But I was terrified of spending my life alone. That’s just sad.”
Now that he views his inceldom as behind him, he shares his aspirations of working and saving for a brighter future with his partner. In his leisure time, he enjoys playing Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, a legal visual novel game, which inspired his pseudonym.
As he prepares to head home, he makes a sudden detour to emphasize a final point. “I’m okay with my girlfriend breaking up with me if it happens. I hope she finds someone better. At least I know someone has loved me before.”
