Navigating Parenthood and Intimacy: Can It Be Done?
“Anyway, how’s your sex life?”
It’s not a question you’d typically hear from friends. If they do, there’s an 80 percent chance they’re American filmmaker Tommy Wiseau. Yet variations of this question might echo in your mind from time to time.
For those who are single and sexually active, it can be an intrusive reminder. If you’re not sexually active, it almost feels like a taunt. In a relationship, however, intimacy and open communication are essential for maintaining a healthy sex life between consenting adults. It’s a shared language built over years of trust—and, inevitably, some obligatory awkwardness.
Some couples even explore swinging to meet their needs, as long as they communicate effectively about it. But when those intimate lives include significant responsibilities like raising children, complications are bound to arise.
Singaporean stories often highlight couples whose sex life takes a nosedive once parenthood sets in. The hierarchy of needs shifts when children enter the picture.
“Once you have a new human needing your care, changes are inevitable,” says Rick*, a married man of 11 years with two kids.
Despite his demanding work schedule, Rick is a dedicated family man who cherishes the time spent with his loved ones. Discussing sex openly in Singapore can be challenging, especially considering the barriers students face when learning about it at the right age.
“I’d rate my sex life as pretty okay, nothing spectacular,” he shrugs. “Some highlights for sure.”
Rick met his partner years before they got married. “We had good intimacy for a few years before kids, and then there was the sex when you’re ‘trying’ for a kid,” he explains.
Living in a modest HDB apartment with two growing preschoolers, Rick finds it tough to carve out time for intimacy. “You’re often sleep-deprived during the early stages of having a new child. Most times, you’re just happy to get some shut-eye rather than a quickie,” he admits.
With the arrival of their children, the couple’s sexual activity has significantly decreased. “On a good day, the best sex you can hope for is any sex, followed by an uninterrupted nap,” he says with a laugh.
“Uninterrupted” is key—imagine being jolted awake by a toddler stumbling in. HDB apartments, while efficient, offer little privacy for parents when kids are around.
Rick’s partner faced additional challenges after being diagnosed with postnatal depression following the birth of their first child. “It changed everything,” he emphasizes. Mood swings, increased anxiety, and sleep issues dominated their lives, shifting Rick’s focus away from intimacy. “I prioritize my partner’s mental well-being first,” he states. “I take cues from her initiation rather than placing my needs ahead of hers.”
For Rick, maintaining intimacy took a back seat as he focused on ensuring his wife was okay.
Faith & Trust
First-time mother Faith Ng experienced the isolation of being homebound during the 2020 circuit breaker. “It was a scary and stressful time,” she recalls.
As a playwright, Faith draws from her life experiences, turning them into intimate spectacles. This has allowed her to reflect on her own life as a parent and married woman.
Her latest play, The Fourth Trimester, examines the complexities of happiness and parenthood in modern Singapore. Through her conversations with parents and medical professionals, she discovered she wasn’t alone in navigating these challenges.
In her play, one story explores the breakdown of communication and intimacy between a couple, emphasizing the societal pressures that contribute to these issues.
“Women bear the invisible and mental load of the family,” Faith notes, while men wrestle with traditional expectations and often lack resources. “It’s tough when you feel like you’re swimming against the tide.”
To Faith, intimacy requires mutual support, while Rick believes adaptability is essential. “We’re all evolving through life stages; marriage is just another area of growth.”
If intimacy becomes too difficult to manage, seeking therapy can be beneficial, Rick advises. “Sex and intimacy are important in a marriage, but they’re not everything.”
For now, Rick and his partner are finding creative ways to reignite their bedroom life. What’s he trying? “Toys and pornography,” he says, giving a thumbs up.
Name changed to protect identity.
