Despite the challenges of caregiving, individuals find strength in love and community support.
In the realm of Confucian filial piety, one poignant story stands out: “He Sold Himself to Bury His Father.” This tale reflects the ideal of self-sacrifice that has shaped traditional Asian values around caregiving. While many children genuinely strive to provide for their parents, the journey of caregiving, especially for those dealing with progressive illnesses like dementia, is fraught with challenges.
Take Oniatta Effendi, for example. Today, about 1 in 10 individuals aged 60 and older in Singapore are diagnosed with dementia. With an aging population, this figure is set to rise. Oniatta’s father showed signs of dementia several years ago, beginning with repeated questions about her work. The realization hit hard when he was tested at the hospital, a moment that shattered a piece of Oniatta’s heart.
As a busy entrepreneur and mother of five, Oniatta juggles her father’s medication schedule alongside her responsibilities at her fashion boutique, Galeri Tokokita. Fortunately, her family pitches in to help. Yet, the emotional toll of caregiving weighs heavily on her. A simple inquiry about her well-being can trigger tears, a testament to the struggle she faces.
While Oniatta has chosen not to outsource her father’s care, she acknowledges the guilt that often plagues caregivers. She believes that intentions should guide decisions around caregiving, not societal pressures. Instead of viewing her father’s condition with pity, she chooses to celebrate the moments they share, from singing to enjoying photo albums together.
Maya*, another caregiver in her 50s, also embodies the complexities of caregiving. She has watched her father’s memory fade since his diagnosis three years ago. Living together in a 5-room HDB flat, they rely on a helper to manage daily necessities. Despite the challenges, Maya has made it her mission to keep her father engaged through various activities.
Maya felt an initial sense of resentment, not towards her siblings, but towards the burnout she experienced. With her siblings now more involved, she has learned the importance of building a support network, both online and offline. She emphasizes that acceptance, patience, and love are essential in navigating this journey.
Samuel Ng, founder and CEO of Montfort Care, reflects on his experience of dementia caregiving in his memoir, “老妈教会我的事” (Lessons My Mother Taught Me). He echoes the sentiments of other caregivers: while the role is demanding, it fosters deep connections. The necessity for societal compassion towards caregivers is paramount, as they often find themselves invisible in their struggles.
These stories highlight that there are no easy answers to caregiving, and individual experiences must be acknowledged and validated. By fostering awareness and understanding, society can better support caregivers, ensuring they too receive the care and compassion they deserve.
*Pseudonym used to protect the profile’s privacy.
