Navigating the balance between independence and familial expectations.
When I first arrived in Singapore, I would often retreat to a quiet corner of the school corridor, my heart heavy as I tried to hold back the tears during a phone call with my parents. At just 12 years old, far from home, those calls were my lifeline. Every afternoon, I would dial their number, eager to share the details of my day. They were the only constants in my new life, my sanctuary in a sea of unfamiliar faces.
Fast-forward five years, and my response to their calls has drastically changed. Instead of eagerly picking up, I often groan, “Wahlao, my parents are calling me again, sia!”
The difference in my attitude is stark. I’ve grown used to my independence, formed new friendships, and embraced the freedom that comes with being away from home. Now, my parents’ calls, though still filled with care, sometimes feel like an interruption. There are moments when I ignore their calls, especially if I’m busy or out past my curfew.
For many international students with strict Asian parents, this dilemma is all too familiar. It’s a tug-of-war between the deep respect instilled by our culture and the growing desire for personal freedom. Ignoring a parent’s call can feel like a violation of that respect, but at times, it’s the only way to carve out space for ourselves.
My parents’ constant check-ins, which come from a place of love and concern, sometimes become a source of frustration. Instead of appreciating their care, I find myself resisting it. But in my quieter moments, I know deep down that their calls are a reminder of how much they’ve done for me.
The Changing Dynamic At 16, Jordan left Singapore to study in Australia. Initially, he maintained daily phone calls with his family, worried about the separation. However, as he settled into his new life, the frequency of those calls began to fade. The once-daily conversations turned into weekly calls, and eventually, they were replaced by texts.
Jordan now finds himself immersed in the social whirlwind of student life, balancing his academic responsibilities with new friendships and relationships. There are times when he deliberately ignores his parents’ calls, not because he doesn’t care, but because his new life has become a priority. Yet, despite the space he’s made for himself, he still feels the pull of his family’s expectations.
“My parents are really understanding, but I still feel guilty sometimes,” he admits. “I don’t always want to talk when I’m hanging out with my friends or girlfriend, so I end up texting them instead.”
A Balancing Act Lynn, a 19-year-old from Myanmar, shares a similar experience. When she first arrived in Singapore, her parents called her daily, anxious about leaving her alone in a foreign country. Their concern extended to tracking apps, like Life 360, to keep tabs on her whereabouts. Over time, though, Lynn’s relationship with her parents’ calls evolved.
“I used to ignore their calls when I was upset,” she confesses. “But I always feel guilty after, especially when I know they’re just worried about me.” Like many students, Lynn grapples with the delicate balance between staying connected with her parents and carving out her independence. She’s come to appreciate the freedom that comes with time, though her parents still check in regularly.
The Weight of Expectations While the occasional ignored call may seem like a minor rebellion, it highlights the emotional distance that can form between parents and children, especially for those of us studying far from home. Parents can’t help but worry, especially when they can’t physically be there for their children. Their calls aren’t just about checking in—they’re a way of easing their own anxiety, of staying connected across the miles.
In our fast-paced, always-on world, phone calls can seem like an inconvenience, especially during work or school hours. I often prefer texting, a quick exchange of words without the weight of a conversation. Yet, for many parents, a phone call is a vital way to bridge the distance, to feel reassured that their children are okay.
Understanding the Divide The generational divide in communication preferences is real. My colleague Sabby shared how her 15-year-old son ignores her calls, preferring to text instead. Her frustration is palpable, a mix of anger and sadness at the disconnect she feels. For her, a phone call is more than just a conversation—it’s a way of staying emotionally connected to her child.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I realize that every ignored call, every moment of frustration, is part of the complex web of family dynamics. For parents, it’s not just about the content of the call—it’s about the reassurance that their children are okay.
The Importance of Connection Despite the occasional resistance, I know that picking up the phone is more than just a simple gesture. For my parents, it’s a way to feel close to me, to bridge the emotional distance that comes with living abroad. As I grow older and more independent, I want to make sure I don’t take their concern for granted.
In the end, it’s not just about the calls. It’s about understanding that behind every call, every check-in, is a deep well of love and concern. And as much as I value my independence, I know that one day, I’ll look back and wish I had answered those calls a little more often.
To my parents, I’m sorry for the times I didn’t answer. I’m grateful for all that you’ve done, and I promise to do better.
