Exploring the challenges faced by couples separated by borders and legal barriers.
Three years ago, Taiwanese Josie relocated to Singapore to be with her girlfriend. However, her partner’s family has never accepted her, viewing her as an “outsider” and “bad company” that is making their daughter “sick.” Despite these obstacles, Josie secured a job in Singapore to eliminate the need for a long-distance relationship.
“I often find myself seeking advice on how to gain acceptance from my girlfriend’s family,” she shared. “I was told that time would help, but I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.” Disheartened, Josie returned to Taiwan in December 2020, uncertain about when she might return to Singapore.
“I’m not sure if coming back will change anything,” she confessed. “Being apart is painful, but going through the job hunt and visa application process again feels overwhelming. I have little hope as the pandemic continues.” As they both settled into their respective countries, Josie and her girlfriend opted for an indefinite long-distance relationship.
A similar story emerged from Dwayne, a Singaporean living locally with his American husband, Nich.
“We have a close friend whose boyfriend was in Australia,” he recounted. “They dated for a year but managed to see each other only once before the pandemic began.”
“They tried to hold on for another year. While it wasn’t meant to be stressful, the distance and uncertainties brought on by COVID-19 made it increasingly difficult. Living apart requires a significant investment for couples, regardless of sexual orientation.”
When Long-Distance Is Not a Choice
Taiwan is the only country in Asia that has legalized same-sex marriage, but this is limited to couples who are either both Taiwanese or involve a Taiwanese partner and their foreign spouse from a country that also recognizes same-sex unions. Without a marriage certificate, couples cannot obtain spouse visas, forcing many transnational gay couples in the region into long-distance relationships.
These couples often rely on frequent travel or alternative legal measures to reunite or live together. It is not uncommon for some to take on underpaid jobs just to secure a valid work permit or pursue unnecessary degrees to obtain a student visa.
The financial burden of taking a low-paying job or paying for an expensive degree adds to the strain on a couple’s resources. Many couples lacking the means to bear this financial weight find themselves continuing long-distance relationships, facing obstacles starting with the immigration process.
For example, the individuals I spoke to mentioned being routinely questioned or targeted by customs officers during their frequent entries into the country, leading to unnecessary tensions and even detentions.
Tian Tian, a Chinese citizen, recounted his experience of being repeatedly interrogated by Taiwanese authorities when visiting his boyfriend. He was required to sign documents asserting that he was not a spy or an employee of the Chinese government or any telecommunications firm.
Although he has since obtained a multiple-entry visa, which allows him more opportunities to visit his boyfriend in Taichung City, he still faces challenges traveling from places like Seoul, Hong Kong, or Macau due to the fluctuating bilateral relations between Taiwan and mainland China.
Hearing Tian Tian describe the hurdles he faces to keep his relationship alive was emotionally draining. Yet, he has been told before that he is “exaggerating.”
“What some people don’t realize is that my struggles will persist as long as homosexuality is viewed as an ‘illness’ in mainland China,” Tian Tian remarked.
Logical and Emotional Fears
Dwayne and Nich met during their freshman year at university and have been together ever since. Although they married four years ago in the United States, Nich has been unable to obtain a work permit to live in Singapore with Dwayne legally.
“I had to return to Singapore to fulfill my scholarship bond,” Dwayne explained. “This meant I would be stationed here for at least a few years, and Nich would need to find and maintain a job in Singapore.”
The uncertainty of their ability to live together has been a recurring concern during Nich’s job search and visa applications.
“The fear of separation never truly leaves us,” Nich admitted. “In the U.S., same-sex marriages are recognized, and couples enjoy the same rights as others. In Singapore, that protection is absent.”
“Sometimes it’s frightening. Our lives are here, so moving away from our support system would be disruptive. I constantly worry that if I lose my job or if local employment visa requirements tighten, I may need to return to the U.S. There’s no safety net for me.”
While Dwayne and Nich have found a temporary solution to live together in Singapore, many others are trapped in long-distance relationships with no foreseeable end.
“We’ve heard of couples needing to make regular visa runs,” Dwayne mentioned. “Those without a formal plan must create systems to stay together. Someone we know had to report to the embassy every ten days, claiming he was in Singapore as a tourist during the pandemic. Previously, he could simply travel in and out of the country. It’s much stricter now.”
“For Nich and me, things have been relatively smooth sailing thus far,” Dwayne noted. “It helps that he is a U.S. citizen and I am Singaporean, as we can enter many places in the world visa-free. However, we have friends holding passports that do not provide such freedom, and repeatedly applying for visas can be a long and tedious process.”
Nich expressed his biggest fear of living in another country is the physical separation from Dwayne.
“I want to share a home, live close to each other, and be involved in different aspects of our lives,” he explained. “Before remote work became common, knowing we would spend time together after work was vital. It’s heartbreaking to see some couples barred from seeing each other and breaking up as a result.”
An Increasingly Difficult Battle
Taiwanese Sheng Yu and his Japanese boyfriend met in 2008 at work. They spent the first eight years of their relationship living together in Taiwan before Sheng Yu’s boyfriend returned to Japan four years ago for a job promotion, leaving them in a long-distance relationship since.
After 12 years together, Sheng Yu finds it difficult to accept that he still has to justify to border officials the legitimacy of his visits to Japan.
“I recall a particular encounter with a Japanese customs officer who was very skeptical and suspected I was smuggling drugs into the country,” Sheng Yu shared. “He insisted on inspecting my luggage at the border. Even after my personal belongings, including photos of my boyfriend and me, fell out, it took a long time to convince him of my innocence.
“I don’t blame him, as he was doing his job. But unless you’ve been through a similar ordeal, you wouldn’t understand the effort it takes to maintain a long-distance relationship for 12 years and plan for the next 12 years to come.”
Are Basic Rights Too Much to Ask?
In 2020, the Taiwan Alliance to Promote Civil Partnership Rights (TAPCPR) launched an online donation campaign called “See You Soon,” aimed at raising awareness of the challenges faced by transnational gay couples. The campaign garnered significant success, raising over NTD$4 million (approximately SGD 195,000) in just three months.
In light of these efforts, Dwayne suggested that we might see some flexibility in Singapore if we “approach the battle wisely.”
He pointed out that in 2018, the High Court granted adoption rights to a Singapore doctor and his same-sex partner, whose biological son was born in the U.S. via a surrogate.
Dwayne also expressed confidence in the influence of corporations. Some companies are willing to support their employees by finding ways for their married same-sex partners to remain together in Singapore. While this may not be feasible in most instances, particularly in Singapore, there are options to explore.
“I think we need to be cautious about the specific changes we seek,” Nich remarked. “Allowing same-sex couples who have married overseas to enjoy the same rights as other married couples in Singapore may seem like a small change compared to the complete repeal of Section 377A.”
Since our interview, Nich has returned to the U.S., while Dwayne has been unable to follow due to new COVID-19 travel restrictions.
“Although we’ve been fortunate so far, our separation will inevitably be prolonged,” Dwayne texted me before Christmas.
“While the pandemic will eventually end for the rest of the world, it will continue for us indefinitely.”
