Navigating the complex dynamics of filial piety: When children feel obligated to provide for their parents financially.
A provocative headline recently caught my attention on Twitter, sparking a discussion on the evolving concept of filial piety in Singapore.
The piece, titled “Strawberry generation more useless than charsiew,” elicited strong reactions. As is often the case with such commentary, it quickly became a flashpoint for generational debates. Those of us who grew up in traditional Chinese households might recall phrases like, “You better study hard, or you’ll become a road sweeper.” Perhaps more relatable for some of us was the feeling of “I didn’t ask to be born!” — a sentiment I distinctly remember from my teenage years.
In this climate of mixed emotions, one comment stood out. “If you need returns, go to the bank instead,” said one of the older commenters. A fair point, perhaps, but it raises a deeper question: What do children owe their parents, really?
The concept of “filial piety” has traditionally held that children must care for their aging parents, financially or otherwise, as a gesture of gratitude for their upbringing. Yet, in an age of increased affluence and independence, does this expectation still hold true, or has it evolved into something more transactional?
The Burden of Expectation
In her commentary, personal finance blogger Dawn Cher highlighted how this expectation became especially difficult for her when her parents, despite being financially stable, asked her to give them a large portion of her first paycheck. At the time, she was struggling with student loans and barely making ends meet while working multiple jobs. The pressure to support her parents during this period of financial instability felt unfair, and it strained her relationship with them.
Historically, giving an allowance to parents was a matter of necessity — a way for children to help support their parents in a time when they had fewer financial opportunities. However, as times have changed and many parents today are more financially secure than ever, this traditional view of filial duty has come under scrutiny. Can children still be expected to bear the burden of their parents’ financial needs when they themselves are struggling with the high costs of living and their own ambitions?
Filial Love vs. Filial Piety
The key distinction, according to Dawn, lies in shifting from a concept of “filial piety” — which can sometimes come across as authoritarian — to one of “filial love.” Filial love, she suggests, should be freely given, not coerced. The expectation for children to provide for their parents should not feel like an obligation or a guilt-trip but should instead come from a place of genuine care and respect for the sacrifices their parents made.
However, this view isn’t universally shared. Many argue that parents have a right to expect something in return for their years of financial and emotional investment. After all, parents did not choose to bring their children into the world, and thus the social contract between them should, in some eyes, entail reciprocal care — especially in a society where the government has made clear the importance of maintaining family-based welfare systems. The idea that children are their parents’ retirement plan has some merit, and many people feel an obligation to live up to this expectation.
A Question of Control
In personal relationships, money can often be a source of control. My own experience with my parents highlights this. I was once forced to choose a university course based on their approval, with the veiled threat that I would lose their financial support if I made a choice they didn’t agree with. That feeling of being financially tethered, of having to make choices under the shadow of their expectations, left me feeling trapped.
For many people, early financial independence becomes a strategy to break free from these controlling dynamics. But even that can be met with resistance from parents, who may view their children’s independence as disrespectful or as a rejection of familial obligations.
The Dilemma of Financial Care
For many, the question isn’t whether they want to support their parents, but how to do so without compromising their own needs and goals. In a society where children are often expected to care for aging parents, the financial burden can be overwhelming, especially when other forms of support, like eldercare leave, remain inadequate.
A recent study from Duke-NUS highlighted that many caregivers experience depressive symptoms, and fewer than 30% of full-time working caregivers have access to eldercare leave. Despite these challenges, society continues to rely heavily on families to provide care.
The Bigger Picture
Ultimately, the issue of whether children should financially support their parents is not a simple one, nor is it purely a matter of filial duty. In a society increasingly focused on financial independence and personal ambition, the lines between what children owe their parents and what they can realistically provide have blurred. While we still feel the pull of familial responsibility, the societal and structural changes of the last few decades make it harder to define what we owe our parents in strictly financial terms.
As we grapple with these complexities, the challenge remains: How do we balance respect for our parents with the realities of our own financial and emotional wellbeing? The key may lie in redefining what it means to be truly supportive — and ensuring that support is given freely, without the burden of guilt or expectation.
